behind the tears, inside the lies, a thousand slowly dying sunsets.
i’m jealous of people who have cute laughs and fast metabolisms and nice teeth and good hair and can just make any outfit look good and get along with everyone and are great at sports and do well in school because none of that is me
so it’s been over a month now since i’ve seen the psychologist and for some reason i’m scared to go back. i think what made me stop going was that i realised that they don’t know anything about me other than what i tell them, so how can they help me if they haven’t been around to see what i’ve been through or how i really am. i guess i feel sort of embarrassed that i shared to much with a person who i don’t know and i’m scared of what they think of me because i know they’re analysing my every move when i’m in there.
I have the days where i feel so incredibly sad and depressed like i’m just sinking into a pit full of everything negative that makes me sad or things i hate, and then i have those days where i’m like “that’s it, be positive, look how good you have it! no reason to be sad. Being sad gets you nowhere, be happy! etc etc”. But i honestly can’t help it as much as i try.
i’m uncertain as to why i feel the way i do. I find it so hard to talk to people and tell them what’s wrong because i don’t know how to explain what it’s actually like. I feel so much stress and pressure. I don’t know if i’m being a drama queen or not. Repressed memories are bringing me down that someone so close to me could hurt me so bad, someone who was supposed to be there for me as a child. And i’m so glad they’re sober now but i don’t think they understand how badly they damaged me and i feel bad that i still have so much anger and resentment towards them.
I’m just trying to deal with what i went through growing up, i can do that except with the addition of; being stressed and sad at home from all the arguing and fighting and unhappiness, and feeling pressure with school to do well and be pretty and have nice clothes and live up to everyones standards, and self hatred and not feeling good enough ever and just feeling like absolute shit, feeling unloved, feeling disgusting about myself, feeling like my friends don’t give two shits about me when i put in so much effort into relationships asking people how they are and helping them and they never do the same back. It just too much, and it doesn’t sound that bad but writing this doesn’t do it justice. i can’t explain it so that people know.
i think i need help and i don’t know where to turn. i don’t even know why i’m writing this it comes across as attention seeking but i’m not. i just need someone to talk to who gets it who will understand that when i say i want to kill myself and how often i think about it wont tell me that i’m stupid, they will make me feel like i have a reason to stay. i don’t know. indecisive as to whether i’ve reached my breaking point or not. don’t know how much longer i can stand this for.